Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck

 
 

Her Fabulous Debut

What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone

02:04
Carla Ulbrich
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This was the first song of mine to be played on Dr. Demento. It won me a number of songwriting awards, as well as landing me a spot on "Up All Night with Rhonda" and a piece of hate mail.

There are numerous parodies of this song floating around out there, such as "What If Your Date was King Kong?" (Randy Hoffman) "What If Carla Ulbrich Were Gone?" (Adam Selzer) "What If Your beer was Gone" (Todd Chapelle) and of course, my own parody, "What If Your Butt was Gone."

Lyrics

I was just wondering -- hypothetically What would you do? -- theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your girlfriend was gone?
If she died in a fire from a broken light fixture
Or happened to swallow a poisonous mixture
Would I find my way back into the picture
If you were suddenly alone?

Would ya call me up would ya write me a letter
Would ya tie a message to your Irish Setter
Would ya try to get through so we could be together
What if your girlfriend was gone?

If she disappeared without a trace
And everyone looked all over the place
Why do you have that look on your face?
It's not like I have any plans!
But if I were around and I could appease ya
And she was suddenly struck with amnesia
And never again would be able to please ya
Would you still wanna be her man?

CHORUS

Of course, as you know, I'm a very nice girl
A beacon of light in a cold, cruel world
Evil plans I could never carry out
But who could blame me for wonderin' about

If something should happen hypothetically
What would you do? theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your girlfriend was gone?

CHORUS

Would ya walk away from your deep devotion
Put a letter in a bottle and throw it in the ocean
Realize that you've got a notion
To give me my long overdue promotion

CHORUS (Ending 1)

Ending 2: Would you hunt me down with your Irish Setter
Would you tie me up in a chain and fetter
Throw me in jail 'cause you like her better
What if your girlfriend was gone?

Ending 3: Would ya tie me up in a chain and fetter
Would you photograph me with your Irish Setter
Do all those things that used to upset her
What if your girlfriend was gone