Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck

 
 

Live From Outer Space

Carla Ulbrich
08/14/2009
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Parody of "Let it Snow" about trying to buy presents for someone who never likes anything they get.

Lyrics

well you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas

even with your 10-page wish list

that was 25 years ago

Let it go let it go let it go

it doesn't show signs of stopping

your disappointment with my shopping

before you get a lump of coal

let it go let it go let it go

 

when you finally act your age

we will all be so sure it's a sign

that the world's coming to an end

the 4 horsemen cannot be far behind

 

people are starving and dying

and folks in hell are frying

but your family didn't spend enough dough

Let it go let it go let it go

Carla Ulbrich
08/14/2009
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Parody of the Mr Ed theme. About Star Wars. I was stuck on the last verse and watched all 6 movies in a row, then ended up writing a verse about stuff that I knew all along.

Lyrics

The Force is the Force of course of course

And no one can tell you about the force

Except of course a Jedi Knight

and most of them are dead

 

Go right to the source and ask the corpse

When is it fitting to use the force

I'd like of course to use the force

for purposes of good

 

People yaketty yak a lot

and waste your time of day

But ObiWan will never appear

unless he has something to say

 

It's too bad that Jedis cannot see

what others envision with ESP

Or else Luke Skywalker wouldn't have tried

To slip the tongue to his sister

Carla Ulbrich
08/14/2009
Carla Ulbrich

Story

parody of the old Petula Clark hit "My Love is..." I wrote this for Bob Malone and Karen Nash's wedding reception. No one has asked me to write a song for their wedding since.

Lyrics

My love is warmer than a day in Alaska

Softer than a coconut

Deeper than the thoughts of a supermodel

Wider than a wide-mouth bass

My love is brighter than a solar eclipse

Which happens every 54 years

My love is so much better than a sharp stick in the eye

 

Something happened to my heart the day that I met you

Something that I've never felt before

In all the time I've felt this way I've come to realize

It's nothing that antacid wouldn't cure

 

My love is warmer than a bowl of vichyssoise

Softer than the finest sandpaper

Deeper than a big gulp from 7-11

Wider than a wide screen TV

My love is brighter than the brightest star

in a distant galaxy

And there is nothing in this world that could ever change my love

unless I win the lottery

 

Once I thought that love was meant for anyone else but me

Once I thought you'd never come my way

Words cannot express the feelings that I feel for you...

 

My love is warmer than the little kids' swimming pool

Softer than a hypodermic needle

Deeper than the little kids' swimming pool

Wider than your mom

My love is brighter than your keychain flashlight

Which by the way needs a battery

You are my one and only 'til something better comes along

Carla Ulbrich
2009-08-14

Story

A medley of unfinished "bad" song ideas.
Carla Ulbrich
2009-08-14

Story

parody of "Yesterday." If Paul McCartney had finished his original idea for the song, this is what would have resulted.
Carla Ulbrich
2009-08-14
Carla Ulbrich

Story

True story. Can't make this stuff up.
Carla Ulbrich
2009-08-14
Carla Ulbrich

Story

short comedy bit about what I think I'd like written on my tombstone (not the pizza, the actual tombstone).
Carla Ulbrich
2009-08-14
Carla Ulbrich

Story

My first adventure doing a coffee enema.
Carla Ulbrich
0000-00-00
lyrics Carla Ulbrich

Story

This song is on "Live from Outer Space" (recorded at XM radio) in 2 versions: one live with joe Giacoio as the Klingon, and one studio version with an actual Klingon. As much as there can be an actual Klingon. The lyrics in this song are in actual Klingon (the Klingon part, that is)
Carla Ulbrich
06/30/2005
Carla Ulbrich

Story

Steve Key and I were hanging around outside the Bluebird when someone (obviously not from Nashville proper) walked by conversing loudly and using the F word every few seconds. He said "If I had the copyright on taht word I'd be a rich man!" I busted out laughing and said that's a great idea! You gotta write a song about that! He told me it was the worst idea fora song he'd ever heard, which of course inspired me to no end. Later that evening I was "dining" at a greasy spoon with the Bluebird cook and afterwards, sitting in his car listening to bootlegs of Mose Allison at the Bluebird, and I told him about the song idea. He said "You can't write a song about that." After 2 such reactions, I was now so inspired, I wrote the song in the car on my drive home from Nashville.

Lyrics

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

I'd say ---- this job and yourself you dumb ~~~~

No need for hard work and no need for luck

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

 

It's filthy it's nasty unseemly and vile

That all may be true but it's so versatile

So often deleted this fine expletive

Is a verb a noun and an adjective

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

I'd have no need for dad-gum dang darn shoot or shucks

No need for hard work and no need for luck

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

 

Not a gasp not a sigh from my mouth would be heard

Nope just a cha-ching when I hear the F word

If people got jealous of all of my wealth

I'd tell them to copyright %$#*, $#@* and !$&*&$!

 

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

It would roll off my tongue like water off a duck

4-letter word usages perfectly honed

I could retire on New York alone

 

Where the say #$^% the #$^%ing mother #$^%ers

I don't give a #$^%

If they can't #$^%ing take #$^%ing joke

then hey what the #$^%

The #$^%ers will #$^% you so don't get #$^%ed up

Quit #$^%in' around or you're gonna get #$^%ed

 

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!

I'd say *%&^% this job and yourself you dumb #^%$#

No need for hard work and no need for luck

If I Had the Copyright on the word ^%$%!