Carla Ulbrich: News

The holidays are upon us, which causes many of us to wax... politically correct. But not everyone!
A few years ago I was a guest musician for several dates on the What I LIke About Jew's (the former Comedy Duo) December tour (now called "Jewlicious"). They had this one sing-along song, and I noticed that every night, at the part where they would say "Now, just the Goyem" nobody would sing. See, Goyem don't know they're Goyem. Including me. All my life I thought I was a middle-class white girl, a Professors' kid (2 parents with PhDs, Dr. and Dr. Ulbrich. I used that apostrophe right; the plural possessive). Then one day I learned I was WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant). That means I'm not Catholic (or atheist now I think of it). Now my world view is shattered again, to find I've been a Goy all my life without knowing it; Goyem are non-Jews.

A sheggitz is a non-Jew male, and a shiksa is a non-Jew female (at least that is what they told me; I think it really means "slut-whore trying to steal a man from the Tribe"). "Are you a member of the tribe" is code for "Are you Jewish?" Kind of like a "Are you a friend of Bill W?" sorta thing.

I don't really like the word "Goy." It sounds derogatory. It reminds me of yogurt, which sounds gross 'til you try it (but that's another story). I decided we Goyem should make it like the N word- we can call each other "Goy" ("Yo, Goy!") but no one else can, or we'll call Jesse Jackson and get them fired from their movie studio. The G word.

A couple of 8-year-old boys bring us the long overdue invention: wedgie-proof underwear!!

I, being the author of the song "The Wedgie," am always kept abreast, of should I say "a-cheek" of all things wedgie. Don't call me "wedgie Woman, though, because that's a character in Captain Underpants.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071102/ap_on_re_us/odd_underwear_invention

What an incredible time we all had at Dragon Con. For those of you who think Science Fiction fans are just a bunch of dorks, well don't underestimate how much fun it can be to hang out with 27,000 dorks for the weekend. Not to mention, I can use my whole vocabulary in that kind of company! I mean the big words, not the 4-letter ones. Celebrities, podcasters, gamers, musicians, people in costume, independent films, science fiction authors, panels, workshops, an enormous dealer room, parties, all spread across 3 adjacent hotels in downtown Atlanta every labor day weekend now for 20 years. I'm not too proud to say I love to go to Science Fiction Conventions- I've been to lots of them. This is my 4th or 5th time attending DragonCon, and there's something for everyone there (even a childcare room). www.dragoncon.com
I was a guest, meaning my costs were paid for by Dragoncon (thanks, Dragoncon!), so I got to do 4 concerts over the weekend, including a really fun split 90-minute show with Joe Giacoio. I also played Molly Pitcher on a live recorded episode of Dr. Floyd, an old-time radio style podcast. Totally G-rated and educational and hilarious. www.doctorfloyd.com. This podcast won 3 awards over the weekend at DragonCon. They've had guests such as Dr. Demento and "Father Guido Sarducci" appear on their show.

Florida was once again amazing and fun. 2 great shows, great audiences, a nice article about me in the Orlando Sentinel, and some nice visiting time with friends, and I got my *@#* taxes done (I always get an extension). The rain was insane on my drive- I drove from NJ to NC, then SC to GA to FL, and I was caught in several heavy summer thundershowers. I am no longer too proud to pull over and read or get a waffle or otherwise occupy myself 'til it passes.

I was so tired after DragonCon that I drove 2 hours to my folks' house on Monday and fell asleep at 6pm. I am no longer too proud to stop drinking caffeine and just go to bed when I'm exhausted. Really, once you give up pride, the world is your oyster. This, however, does not apply to personal hygiene. Having just returned from a 4-day science fiction convention may or may not have made me think of that.

I had a beautiful time playing for the Bedside Harp Salon (meeting)- these folks go to patients' bedsides and play for them. They are an amazing bunch of folks. I am in awe of caregivers who put themselves out on a limb all day long, every day, usually for not the biggest paycheck. God's hands and feet. I played my ridiculous songs about waiting room and IV needles and a disappearing butt for God's hands and feet. I believe God has a sense of humor. I'm actually sort of counting on it.

The Avalon Nude festival was really fun. Such nice people. I once again left my clothes on (except my shoes, but I'm always taking my shoes off- I'm a lifelong nudist from the ankles down). My beau won the rising star (interesting name at a nude fest) song contest there that weekend as well! it really is beautiful in PawPaw, WV.

Man did I have a great trip to England. I found my way there (got up at 5am to catch the flight), had great gigs (I *love* the folk clubs over there!), found my way back, and managed to only lose an item or 2 in the process. I also managed to avoid blood pudding and other frightening English Cuisine, and found plenty of good things to eat (there goes the stereotype). Our french fries will never compare to their "chips," and their chocolate and cheese is far superior. I ate some healthy food too but who remembers things like that?

And, yes, I got to go sightseeing- my beau came over during my time between gigs and we went to Stonehenge, Bath, Windsor castle, Westminster abbey, St. Paul's cathedral, the Tower (where they imprisoned and tortured people. Hey, maybe we can sell tickets to tour Guantanamo someday, if the apocolypse doesn't come first), the London Eye (overpriced slow-moving huge enclosed ferris wheel kind of thing that makes for a good landmark to destroy in a horror flick)- all with Joe. Then, Abbey road (got my picture crossing the road barefoot), Petticoat Lane (outdoor market), and the tail end of the marathon (where lots of people dress up in ridiculous costumes and run the marathon like that)... some runners not even in costume collapsed and one died from heat exhaustion/ dehydration- the stations ran out of water in several places. folks there are not used to running in 80 degree weather...

Speaking of exhaustion, I hope to return to England in about 18 months if I haven't exhausted my friend Martin with this past trip. Or grossed him out completely with my "potty mouth" and "hooligan" ways. (FYI, use the words "bollocks" and "wanker" sparingly in England, at least among polite company.) He put the whole thing together and invested a lot of time, just because he liked my music and thought it would be fun.

Weirdest of all, the nicest weather I've experienced this year was in England. I was prepared for 2 weeks of dreary weather. Who thought I'd go to England to finally get some fresh air and sunshine? FYI, America, England may still be Merry and Olde in places, but London is no longer foggy. They've really gone green, cleaning up their air, and fog/ smog is no longer an issue. Pop! There goes another stereotype.

It was a 7 hour plane ride to London from NJ, certainly made more pleasant by the nice staff and good food and video entertainment on board Virgin Airlines.

Someone accidentally picked up my luggage and took it with them at Newark. I knew that was what happened because there was a bag that looked just like mine left on the carousel only it had come from Delhi. Same color, even damaged in the same place (and just as heavy as mine). Mine was delivered today. I'm smart enough not to pack my camera, computer, prescriptions or cell phone in my checked bags, but all my decent clothes were in that bag. I can only imagine the Indian woman's reaction to my assortment of clothing and Beatles books ("hideous! scandalous! Hey is that a bottle of vicodin?"). Nothing a good 12 hours sleep wouldn't fix...

By the way, I'm annoyed that in England, they refer to the Newark airport as "Newark, New York." Newark is in New Jersey. I mean really, New York, don't you get enough attention as it is? can't we at least have the airport? Your airport sucks, quit glomming onto ours! Oh geez I'm defending New Jersey now. Folks from other countries are very confused about all this. one guy thought New York City was in New Jersey. Then didn't understand why New York city was not the capital of new York. Then I told him how at one time New York was the capital of the US (which it was), and that New York City is actually New York, New York. I bet he can't wait to get back to Belgium.

It's 6am here. I went to bed at 11 and got up at 330am. My body clock is all screwed up.

I got stranded for 4 days in Mason city, Iowa in a blizzard in a Holiday inn. I was in the Holiday Inn; the blizzard was outside. I was supposed to play at N. Iowa Comm. College on 3/1, but the school was closed because of weather. I figured it might be cold and snowy, but didn't think things would shut down.

The rental car agent in Minneapolis kept trying to bump me up to an SUV (for only twice the price) or at least a full size for my drive to Mason City. I thought she was just trying to make a buck. So i stuck with a compact, not realizing I was driving into a winter storm. It was getting really hard to keep it between the lines. partly because of the wind, partly because there were no visible lines to keep the car between. So I drove 50 mph for a while (only 50 miles left, I'll be there in an hour), then 40 (I'll be there in 50 minutes), then 25 (I'll be there by Friday...) for the last hour and a half, prying my fingers off the steering wheel at the end.

Anyway, at least there was a fitness room at the hotel, an indoor pool and a pinball machine (and room service). It's far better than being hungry, cold, thirsty and stranded in a field in a rental car that ran out of gas after idling for 2 days. Or being part of the Donner Party. (how's that for an endorsement for the holiday inn? Actually, the HI is pretty OK with me. Except for that one where I saw a bedbug).

I had planned to drive up to Bloomington (Minneapolis), MN for Marscon on 3/2, but the interstate was closed. The high wind/ whiteout warning continued on 3/3, and after my frightening drive on Wed., I wasn't about to mock the weather.com page's warnings in my crappy little economy rental car ("do not travel. if you must travel, bring a winter survival kit." I don't even know what would be in a winter survival kit.), esp. after seeing about 10 stranded/ overturned cars on the way down.

So, I watched a bunch of Law and Order episodes, went to the change machine and worked on my state quarter collection (still missing PA from 1999), and finally made it to Marscon on Sunday after an hour and a half of digging my car out of the snow.

Upon returning to New Jersey we had an 8-inch snow and ice storm the day before St. Patrick's Day. The kind of snow you can walk on top of without snowshoes. Our poor little dog's toes are freezing. Will I ever get to put away my winter coat? It's not even *my* winter coat, as my winter coat is far too pathetically thin for this type of weather. I've been wearing a nice toasty coat that's a little too big for me. I found it in my boyfriend's closet. Turns out it's his ex-girlfriend's ex-huband's coat... Too weird, but oh so toasty. Hope he doesn't read this- he'd want it back for sure.

Nov. 4 brought the Just Plain Folks Awards Show, where my song, "What If Your Butt Was Gone," was chosen as novelty song of the year. This is a huge honor. I sent the CD in over a year ago, but as you can imagine, it takes a long time to go through entries from all over the world, and all over the musical map as well.

My CD, "Sick Humor" made it to the "final 7": nominated Novelty albums for 2006.

My song "If I had the Copyright" (The F word song) made it to the "final 21": nominated songs in the Lyric catergory. The lyric contest started with over 500 entries in the Lyric Category.

More than 25,000 CDs were entereed in 81 genres this year, including truly obscure and truly famous musicians, all on the same playing field (Poco, Tiffany, Preston reeed, Christin Lavin).

Well, the movie hit a few theaters before going to DVD...

One of my songs, "If I Had the Copyright," was featured in a nationally-released documentary released NOVEMBER 10, 2006: "F**k: A F**kumentary" (won't my parents be proud?). The song is pretty early in the movie. The movie (entitled F**K) is about the "F" word, its usage and history, and the issue of censorship in present-day US culture. Distributed by Thinkfilm, the same folks who brought you "The Aristocrats" last year (*not* "The AristoCATs," which is a Disney film and completely different subject matter). www.fourletterfilm.com/trailer.htm
With a name like "F**K," it probably didn't make its way to every theater in the US, but it is availble on DVD and will be subsequently appearing on Showtime (in '07). Perhaps some DVD copies will inadvertently find their way into porn shops, only to disappoint customers with academic discussions on the F-word between fully clothed people. All discourse, no intercourse...

The movie smashed the Guinness Book record for the most times the F word is used in a movie, with more than 800 usages. With the new FCC fines of $325,000 per offense, it would cost a network Television show over $260Billion in fines alone for one airing of this movie (think of all the politicians that could buy!). So, I think my obscurity is pretty safe for now- no network TV appearances.

Fear not, people- my live shows remain clean, with no swearing, and when this song is performed, it is done with a bleeper (see the video on the home page). Numerous fans have reported their very conservative relatives laughing very hard at this song, which, if you are paying attention, is actually a statement about the *overuse* of the F word.

Now let's hope the lack of swearing on stage doesn't drive away the new fans...

Here's a funny blog about the movie by someone who has seen it (beware- the F word is used a lot):
http://www.radicalleft.net/blog/_archives/2006/4/28/1901947.html

the latest issue of "Dig This Real" Magazine features a fantastic article about "Sick Humor," my most recent CD release. The song "Prednisone" was chosen for inclusion on the accompanying Compilation CD. Check out the teaser on the cover of the magazine: "Getting Sick= fun music. Carla Ulbrich demostrates"
www.digthisreal.com

What's a nice girl like me doing on a channel like this??
After years of meticulously keeping the live shows and lyrics squeaky clean so as not to offend anyone.... I will be featured on The Red Peters show, on the Howard Stern Channel on Sirius radio 7pm Eastern time on Fri., April 21 and re-broadcast several times over the following 2 weeks. There will be a short interview segment with me and DJ Red Peters (not Howard! not ready to go on the air naked yet) and one of my songs will be aired.

Don't worry. My live shows are still PG-rated. Nothing about me has changed, except that one big station found one song they liked.

I recorded a podcast episode while in Austin, and it is now available for download! The show is called "Austin Connection" and is a 30-minute show of interview and songs recorded in the studio there, hosted by Jeffrye Glen Tveraas. subscribe for free and listen at
http://www.austinconnection.net. Got friends you want to introduce to my songs, but they don't like to leave the house and go to a concert? Maybe this will work...
*As of April 1, this podcast session is still #1 ranked on Austinconnection.com! cool!

Just returned from Folk Alliance in Austin, where I won 2nd place in the "Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face" song contest. My entry was called "Dick Cheney's got your back." i bought an interface for my mac so i could record these short-shelf-life songs and slap them on the webpage, but it's still in the box.
{Ed: As of 4/10/08 I still haven't figured out how to use that stupid interface. On the plus side, I had all the time in the world and came up with a 3rd verse. Of course the whole thing is old news now so who cares? Maybe if I'm lucky he'll shoot someone else in the face. Like himself? Now that's uncalled for.}

Congratulations to uh, me, for making "The Official dfsxradio.com
Top 100 Novelty Hits of 2005", coming in at #15 with "Scrambled Eggs" and #14 with "The Force is the Force." (as in Star Wars). http://www.dfsxradio.com/91a5top100.htm These 2 songs are not even officially released yet, "Scrambled Eggs: was recorded in Dr. Demento's studio during an interview and the MP3 seems to have made its way around the internet.

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Song Contest:
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I was again chosen as a finalist USA songwriting competition contest, in the novelty category, this time for "If I Had the Copyright" (The F word song).

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My lyrics are part of a college textbook
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My song "It reminds Me of You" is quoted (almost in entirety) in a recently released book about unrequited love ("Loves Me, Loves Me Not," Smit). This book appears to be required reading for a college course at a theology school. I think the song is in there as an example of the consequences of sin (seriously!). And I had always thought of myself as a "how-to" songwriter...

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KIDNEY KALENDAR features 3 CARLA ULBRICH LYRICS
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3 of my songs are quoted in full in the kidney kalendar ("What if your butt was gone," "On the commode again," "I got rhythm"). This is a British fundraising effort for kidney disease research, and features some ridiculous poses of patients and "doctors" (we don't think they are real doctors, but they play doctors on the calendar). Interested in obtaining a copy for your kidney doctor or kidney patient? They're quite colorful. e mail Nikki for info shurvipants@aol.com . They were printed in England and may be hard to obtain from other continents.

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TV
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In December, I recorded a 30-minute interview for "Community Corner," a TV show filmed in Somerset, NJ. The show is now canceled. Its not my fault, really! :) My episodes aired in late December and will probably re-run several times in 2006 in several counties in NJ. The cool thing is, the show aired both on the local channel and it locally pre-empted CNN headline news for 5 minutes every half-hour for a day. Oprah hasn't called... yet.

I won 2 costume contests with my Halloween get-up: "Whoopie Cushion Goldberg." I beat my boyfriend in one contest and bunch of children in the other contest... one of the prizes was a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Perhaps I should have used the prize to buy a book on manners, as when I beat my boyfriend in the contest I jumped up and said "in your face! HAHA!" Fortunately for the children, the other contest was an online photo contest.

OK, so I broke my foot in May, as you know (stepped in a hole while carrying luggage), just before a pretty intense 3-week tour.

I was several weeks into the foot thing (but still a few weeks from wearing matching shoes) when I went on vacation with my family and caught bronchitis... I arose from the fog 10 days later with just enough time to prepare for 2 weeks of summer camp in New Mexico (I missed camp last year because of bronchitis!). It's always a fun (and very busy) time at camp, but I could not leave the East Coast for camp without precipitating one more little disaster, so I spilled Diet Coke on my laptop and now the "o" key doesn't work. Except of course when it won't *stop* working and types row after row of "o's." As if my typing weren't bad enough already.

If you're wondering how I'm typing this, I copied an "o" from a document and am pasting it in every time I need it. Which seems to be quite often. So for those inquiring minds, it seems that Diet Coke does as much damage as Classic Coke to a laptop. No need to experiment on your own laptop. The good news is, I have insurance on my musical instruments and laptop, so (crossing fingers- again, as if my typing weren't bad enough), I may get some help with this little issue.

While at camp, the teachers won the teacher-counsellor volleyball game both weeks, we had a nice rain/hail/ thunderstorm which knocked out the plumbing and left us unable to flush for several hours, I got charged criminal rates by using my credit card to make pay phone calls (always use coins!), I had the best piece of peanut butter pie ever made, saw lots of butterflies and some exotic birds I've never seen anywhere else, taught some great kids, and read a couple fantastic books.

All you Easterners, if you go to New Mexico for more than a couple days, bring a humidifier. I learned that the hard way back in '99, my first year at camp where my skin looked like an alligator and I got nosebleeds frm the dry air.

Everyone at camp thought I was kidding when they asked me where my next gig was and I answered "a nudist festival." Yes I'm returning to the very beautiful Avalon Resort in West Virginia and again let me emphasize it's clothing *optional*. For those who want to know if I'm just doing the gig for the "exposure" ... I *will* be wearing clothes. Looking forward to watching the brave men grilling hot dogs and using staple guns on the paper table cloths... in the nude.

In other news, did you hear what the astronauts had for their meal before leaving Earth? My pal Chandra (Miss Blackston, to you students at Los Alamos High School), called me to let me know what they had: Toasted Chicken Sandwiches.

I finally took a real vacation!

I spent a week in Hilton Head with my Mom, Dad, sisters, and nieces. It was long overdue, and at the tailend of a 3-week whirlwind of travelling with a BROKEN FOOT. I'm almost healed and still haven't come up with a very interesting story for how it happened. A few suggestions from friends:

I was stuffing my stash down the toilet because the cops were at the door (stash of what? Diet Coke?)
the classic "You should see the other guy"
skydiving
snowskiing (in mid-May)
The truth is I stepped in a hole while loading luggage. pretty... LAME (haha get it? lame! ahem...)

I had a wonderful, wonderful time playing at the Wildflower (TX), Florida, and Kerrville Music Festivals (all in May). It is a real treat to get to see so many friends and hear so many other musicians at music festivals. I even got to see Rick Springfield in concert. I have to say, I enjoyed the far lesser-known but way more delightful (in my opinion) group "Beatlegrass," a trio in TX who do all bluegrass versions of Beatles tunes. They were fantastic. For that matter, so were Cosy Sheridan, Beth Wood, Chris Rosser, the Malvinas, and John William Davis. I also attended the Kerrville Song School, which is a great way to kick-start your songwriting, and -- if you're already at the festival anyway -- a real bargain in tuition.

I of course had the latest in footwear at all May concerts- one big-ole Darth Vader looking walking cast and one pink go-go (or is it just "go?") boot.

Speaking of Darth Vader, I landed a live radio spot in May on the Bob and Sheri morning show (based out of Charlotte, NC, syndicated to 50 stations across the country). I had broken my foot the night before and had not yet had a chance to go to the doctor. I had obtained some (too short) crutches from Walgreen's by going through the drivethrough (clever huh?) but since they were too short I fell on my way into the radio station (not so clever). Nothing like a graceful entrance. As it turned out, the big story of the day was the Star Wars movie premiere, so I played my Star Wars tune ("The Force is the Force").

My trip to Georgia got off to a good start when I scored a free tank of gas and a free upgrade for singing the F word song (with bleeper) in the lobby of the rental car agency.

Grant and I took a break from attending the APCA (college booking) coference in Atlanta and returned to the very Waffle House where I first initiated him to the Waffle House experience (exactly one year before). He had the entire table covered in plates of food. I asked him why he ordered so much food and he said with his eyes as big as saucers "It's only FIVE DOLLARS!" (You can't even get a burrito for that in Burbank, where he lives... and where there are no Waffle Houses.) On the way to our South Carolina show, I swung by my parents' house to prove to Grant that there really is a Clemson (and that The Brick -- that's me -- really has parents).

February adventures included playing at Club Med in Florida, where I played for a half-empty room of folks who spoke English as a second language. That was painful, but the 2 full days at Club Med I received in lieu of actual payment were more than worth it. Amazing food, 80 degree weather, tae-bo classes, and I got to go on the trapeze! Hard to imagine this is the same girl who was hobbling around with a cane less than 3 years ago, isn't it?

I also had a weekend trip to Texas, where I played 3 shows. I began my illustrious Dallas leg by ramming my face into the hatchback door while unloading the car. Spent the evening with an ice pack on my face. The rest of the trip was far more enjoyable...

I got to see an old pal who I met in 1996 at a song school in Colorado. The house concert crowd in Pattison (near Houston) stayed late afterward, taking turns singing songs and telling jokes and stories. The kids were regaling us with Weird Al songs and nicknamed me "weird gal" in honor of the first favorite performer (I am now the second favorite!). I was one of the masses of kids who purchased Weird Al's first LP with "My Bologna" on it, so it's a big compliment. It was a great evening, reminding me why I travel so far to play, reminding the house concert folks why they hold events, and reminding all of us what can be so special about homegrown entertainment. That was a great evening.

I just returned from a fun trip to Georgia and South Carolina. Again an illustrious start: I showed up at the airport a day early. duh! Had fun at the two "Partly Funny" shows and attended the APCA (Assoc. for Promotion of Campus Activities) Conference.

My good pal Grant Baciocco of Throwing Toasters (and the Difficult Last Name Club) was also at the convention and both Partly Funny shows. I've been on his (now defunct) internet radio show "Fill in the Blank" (www.thelandofdementia.com) a number of times as a live guest (I try to get to do this whenever I'm in California because it's really FUN. He does live chat, a webcam, plays funny songs by various artists and when I'm there, we write a loose script before the show). He also has a 5-minute old-time radio show-within-a-show "The Radio Adventures of Dr. Floyd" that has really taken off. He's been getting upwards of 1500 downloads of the show every week. I played Molly Pitcher in Episodes 201 and 202. Hear them for free at the website! www.doctorfloyd.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Latest career news/Stuff to brag about
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Nice review of "Sick Humor" is up at: http://www.comedy-gags-jokes.com/independent_labels/carla_ulbrich_sick_humor.htm
"If I Had the Copyright" (The F Word Song)" hit #1 on Dr Demento on Feb 19 weekend! This song is just too strange (and risky) to be played much of anywhere else, though it does get some airplay on a few brave folk stations. But Dr. Demento will play it.

Anthony Cherry, producer on Radio 2 (BBC) included one of my songs ("What if Your Girlfriend Was Gone") on a show called "The Green Room."

Strange but true (but fiction):

Have you googled yourself recently? I was bored one night and thought I'd see what popped up in the search engine when I put my name in. Some guy wrote a book and one of the characters -- a special agent -- is named Carla Ulbrich. Whoa! If he's hoping the name will sell books, he should know there aren't very many folks named Carla Ulbrich out there searching Google.

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DIfficult Last Name Club: Baciocco

NAME: Grant Baciocco
ADDRESS: P.O. Box 2764
CITY, STATE, ZIP: Toluca Lake, CA 91610
E MAIL:yourmom@throwingtoasters.com
WEB PAGE (opt): www.throwingtoasters.com
Misspellings of your name:
It's not so much the misspellings, it's the pronunciations.

Anecdote about your name (hopefully embarrassing but historic or merely amusing will do):
Baciocco. 'Baa-Cho-Ko'. That's how you're SUPPOSED to say it. Most of the time I get 'Bossy-oko' or 'Bachi-oko'. I've even given up
saying it when I introduce myself. I just say, "Hi. I'm Grant." In my 'day job' (a substitute teacher) the kids all call me Mr. Grant. I don't even attempt to tell them about my REAL last name, let alone waste valuable education time trying to get them to pronounce it! Out here in California, a guy ran for State Assembly when I was in high school named Ed Bacciocco. Notice the extra 'c'. Mom says the extra 'c' means "Money". Baciocco (as far as we've been told forever) means, "little kiss" in Italian. Grant (in anglo saxon) means "Great". "Great Little Kiss". That's me! (Better than Carla Pancake! :-P ) I have my doubts on this translation, but there was a guy in high school with the last name or 'Bacigalupe' which meant 'kiss of the wolf', so who am I to argue? One thing for sure, when I join S.A.G. there won't be another Grant Baciocco. I can bet on that!.

I'm holed up in a nice house in Assonet, near Taunton in southeast Mass.

The weather advisory on the web is quite strong! "Any travel is strongly discouraged. If you leave the safety of being indoors... you are putting your life at risk." Visibility of less than 1/4 mile, storm totals rivaling all time records.

I'd hate to be a guy working for the highway dept this weekend, but I guess they know when they sign up that this is the deal. Ugh! God bless 'em! Forget the guy who changes the light bulbs! The guy who plows the snow changes everything.

How do trees survive this? I have new admiration for New England trees. And New England people.

I had to literally shovel the snow off the roof of the rental car. I've never shovelled snow. My parents are both from Connecticut but they moved to South Carolina just before I was born, and the worst we get there usually is ice storms. When we do get a snowstorm, everything comes to a complete standstill, as there is only one snowplow for the whole county. Two flakes fall and we call off school. Kind of like when it rains in Los Angeles. If it sprinkles there, it's the top story in the news.

The Stone Soup show in Pawtucket, RI was canceled due to massive amounts of SNOW. The snow is so pretty, it's such a shame it has to be cold in order for it to snow.

I taped 2 TV shows before the snow blew in, one of which has already aired locally in the Taunton area, and one which airs THIS FRIDAY on PAX TV all over New England.

It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cold in Boston! I can't describe it! (yet i will try). It was single digit weather. The only other time I've been anywhere near this cold was at a ski slope in NC, where it was so cold and windy they closed the slopes. My host, Gary, went out to check the temperature, and the thermometer had frozen, fallen off the wall and fallen to pieces. That's cold.

I thought my wool coat was warm, but it's not that thick, and then it lost THREE buttons while I was out and about!!! i think they froze off. How's that for irony? So there I was, my coat flapping open with every gust, walking through Boston and ducking into stores to keep my facial features from cracking and falling off onto the sidewalk.

My friend Mark e mailed some manly suggestions regarding my coat problem, including duct tape, citing "it is better to be warm and look like a bag lady than to be a cold babesicle??" Fortunately, Gary had some needles and thread.

I feel like i'm living through a very cold hurricane. I've been out of Florida for every hurricane in the last 3 years I've lived there- once because I evacuated- an adventure in itself (all gas stations ran out of gas, rest areas were littered with cars all over the grass, no hotel rooms to be found, slept in the van; got out just in time, as if i had stayed one more day i'd have been trapped for a week by the storm and lack of gas).

So anyway, I had to go buy a hat (or die), and had a great time shopping at perhaps the best thrift shop ever! It's in Cambridge: the Garment District (that's the name of the store), where you can buy clothes BY THE POUND! How cool is that?

I ran into an old guitar pal Eddy, whom I haven't seen in 12 years! We found an empty room at Berklee (he works there) and jammed. I have often wished I had to gone Berklee. Now I have.

Just Plain Folks Awards

After receiving over 10,000 albums and 140,000 songs from 85 countries, the 2004 awards for Best Song in 48 Genres and Best Album in 57 categories have been presented. I was awarded 2nd place Novelty Album (for "Professional Smart Aleck") and 4th place, Novelty Song (for "Would You Rather Be Paid"). I was a novelty song nominee in 2002 for "Please do something stupid," but did not place that year. Standing out in a crowd that large is quite a thrill.

Incidentally, my good pal Bob Malone won Live Album of the Year (Winner!) with "Malone Alone," which is a fantastic CD. (Bob is the producer and piano player on my latest CD, "Sick Humor," and also wrote and played "We Don't Need a Wal-Mart" with me in 2000).

I accepted a gig in NY city, thinking I was going to have a ride into Manhattan. I *never* drive in New York City, ever. I always hitch a ride with another musician. A couple times this past spring I took the train from Jersey City into Manhattan, which was enough of a disaster: freak snowstorm, I didn't have a warm coat, and slightly flawed directions left me getting off the subway about a mile from the gig, carrying a guitar and a suitcase for about a mile in the cold with no warm coat and no gloves. I was in a ripe mood for that show!)

Well, being overwhelmed at the prospect of taking the train back all the way to central NJ this time, I decided to drive in. My first time driving in Manhattan. First, I should have known better than to use mapquest. Ever. Second, apparently there is a West Broadway and a Broadway, they run parallel and they are not the same thing. And third, if you get lost, and you have to call someone, you may well get a ticket for talking on the phone while driving (as I did). So, my first time driving in was my last. On the bright side, no one got killed and nothing got stolen, and my van doesn't look any worse than it did before I got there.

Upcoming Cool Stuff

Speaking of firsts, I'll be doing my first comedy club appearance this month at Groucho's in Melbourne, FL. I'm nervous, so if you have a friend who will laugh at anything, please bring them to the show :)

More firsts... I have my first solo college gigs coming up in 2005. This past Spring, I joined the "Everything But the Mime" Agency Artist Roster. They are wonderful folks, and also very seasoned and professional.

Airplay

The Dr. Demento show has been really good to me this year. My tunes were played on 22 of his shows this year (out of 52 shows total). 13 of those times I was in the "Funny 5" (5 most requested songs of the week), and 4 of those times I had the #1 spot. Wow! Because of all this airplay, I will be included on Dr Demento's 2005 "Basement Tapes" compilation with "What If Your Butt Was Gone." This is a special CD that is available only to the 2000 or so members of the Demento Society (see www.drdemento.com ). Some of you may recall that the last time I was included on a Dr. Demento compilation was in 2000, with "What if Your Girlfriend Was Gone." "What if Your Butt Was Gone" is a parody of that tune. So I guess in 4 more years I'll submit another parody of that tune...

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Difficult Last Name Club

Our newest member:

THOMAS E. ZMUDZINSKI of Maryland
Misspellings:
Smuzinski
Szmudski
Zmudzooski
Mudsensky
Zumdinski
Zidinski
Wizinski
Mzudinsk
Duminski
Resisdent

"I understand that before I could pronounce Zmudzinski {smud' zin ski} I called myself 'Tommy Eye-Zoo-Key.' My sister Irene was 'Irene Ink-Inks.'"

Welcome, Tommy.

A marvelous and heartfelt (and very funny, of course) piece of work. - Dr Demento

Love it. Cure for the blues. - John McLaughlin, WMUC

Absolutely brilliant parodies, I nearly got in a wreck a couple of times I was laughing so hard. And the production was fantastic... - Tony F, fan

We want more Carla! I really lost it when I heard What If Your Butt Was Gone! I couldn't resist putting On The Commode Again and What If Your Butt Was Gone on the air back to back, or should I say cheek to cheek! - Byron Lee, host "The Fun Zone" WTND

The great thing about a nudist wedding is you always know who the best man is. - Nipsy Russell

Overheard at the Avalon Music Festival (Avalon is a clothing-optional resort where I played this past month):

"I'm just playing for the exposure"

"I feel kind of ridiculous being in a song contest. I mean I've already been walking around all day feeling inadequate. There's no reason to make it official" - Joe Giacoio

"These folks are real out-of-the-boxers thinkers" - Groovelily

OK, this festival definitely was a highlight of my year. Kerrville was great (hardcore folkies in a fresh frame of mind- escaping life for 18 days or more on the ranch), Falcon Ridge was amazing (memorable not only for the wonderful spirit there but also for the Woodstock-like mud this year!), but Avalon. Ah, Avalon. Brave men were attaching paper tablecloths to tables with a staple gun. While naked. Seriously, this place attracts some very special folks, real independent thinkers.

Had a great time at the sold-out show in Bradenton, FL and now as my Miami date has been cancelled, I sit in Sunrise (Ft Lauderdale area) awaiting hurricane Frances (note:
Carla evacuated before Frances hit). I think the closest thing we'll be having to folk music in South Florida this weekend is a Mighty Wind...

Howdy! Just warming up my "howdy" for a trip to Texas at the end of the month. I have been selected as a Kerrville Folk Festival New Folk Finalist this year! For those uninitiated, it's a big deal. Kerrville is an 18-day folk festival where the music goes on practically 24/7. And all the dust and sunburn you can dream of. 600+ people send in songs every year and 32 are selected for the New Folk showcase. This year, I am one of them! April included a visit to my "toasted chicken" cousin and a sold-out show in Conyers, GA.

The F word song is here!

I don't play this song at many shows, because of the... well the 26 inappropriate-for-children words. I also chose not to include on the most recent CD (Professional Smart Aleck) because children do buy my cds. So, It is NOW AVAILABLE as a single (note: now only available as an MP3). Bleeped and unbleeped versions. Bleeps provided by Michael Sotck of WLRN, Miami. Also, NOW AVAILABLE, are "WAFFLE HO" buttons (now available only at shows).

CD Update

The new CD is coming along great! Music is done, graphics are coming along smoothly and nicely, and I will have copies this summer.

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We're #1! (and #5 and #6...)
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Demented Music Poll top 100 of 2003 now posted

The top 10 of 2003

10 Do The Confusion - Logan Whitehurst & The Junior Science Club, Goodbye, My 4-Track
9 Demi Moore - Raymond and Scum, Touch It
8 Patrick The Spoiler - Throwing Toasters, Throwing Toasters
7 e-bay - "Weird Al" Yankovic, Poodle Hat
6 The Guy Who Changes The Light Bulbs - Carla Ulbrich, Professional Smart Aleck
5 The Wedgie - Carla Ulbrich, Professional Smart Aleck
4 Everything I Do (I Do With William Shatner) - Warp 11, Red Alert
3 Hardware Store - "Weird Al" Yankovic, Poodle Hat
2 A Complicated Song - "Weird Al" Yankovic, Poodle Hat
1 I Have To Kill You Now - Carla Ulbrich, Professional Smart Aleck

For the complete list including numbers 100-11, please see www.davesfunstuff.com/97a3.htm
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CD project update
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After a few shows in early December, I prepared to fly to L.A. to work on my next CD. This was my 3rd trip to L.A. to work on the new CD (which will come out sometime this year. More work to do!)

Well, the night before I was to leave, I was enjoying some homemade sushi. Dave Cambest had taught me how to make sushi rolls that evening and I was enjoying my second batch (I don't eat the raw fish, just smoked salmon and tons of veggies). I put little too much wasabi in the dish and absent-mindedly left a piece of sushi in the soy sauce while chatting with Dave. I was soon to learn that you really can have too much of a good thing. My eyes watered, I drank an entire glass of soda in one gulp, and I hardly slept at all that night. The next day, my packing was repeatedly interrupted by urgent trips to the kitchen sink to revisit my dinner.

FYI, the remedy for a very upset stomach is very sugary anti- nausea syrup and Coca-cola.

The next day in LA, we resumed work on the new CD. Bob Malone is producing it. The studio is just across the street from Astroburger, where we had lunch every day. Bob had the same Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich every day and I insisted on playing "I Feel Fine" (Beatles-G5 on the jukebox) every day while waiting for food. Superstitious? We'd have made great baseball players (if it weren't for our athletic ineptitude).

The second week I was there, I stayed at Grant Baciocco's (Throwing Toasters) while he is in Burlingame appearing in "Babes in Toyland." I had a Spongebob marathon, enjoying Grant's DVD collection every night as I wound down from long days in the studio. Grant and Bob were part of the Kulak's concert and webcast on Dec. 11 and Amy Bob Englehardt, who also appears on the CD as backup singer. Bob has found me some of the most wonderful musicians and fantastic engineer (and amazing piano player -- uh he didn't have to look far for that guy -- they're close). The CD will be very different from my other two CDs -- lots more instruments- but I can assure you it will be *great*! And funny. If I do say so myself!