Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck

 
 

Sick Humor

What If Your Butt Was Gone

02:32
Carla Ulbrich
07/31/2004
Carla Ulbrich

Story

This is a parody of one of my own songs ("What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone"). I wrote these lyrics when i was too skinny, and could not sit comfotably anywhere for more than a few minutes. Needless to say, that problem is now... rectified...

Lyrics

I was just wondering- hypothetically
What would you do? theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

If sitting in a wooden chair felt like tacks
And you found you had nothing to hold up your slacks
'cause instead of a butt you had just a crack
Well something would have it be done

Would you write Dear Abby for advice in a letter
Put a cushion in the chair to make it feel better
Try to fatten up with Brie and cheddar
What if your butt was gone?

If your butt disappeared without a trace
And everyone looked all over the place
Why do you have that look on your face?
Hey it could happen to you

If that booty petootie that sweet derriere
Were now inexplicably no longer there
How soon would you miss it? How much would you care?
And what do you think you would do?

Would you call me up
Would you fall to pieces
Would you make it the topic of your doctoral thesis
Try to go out and find a prosthesis
What if your butt was gone?

A butt, as you know, can be skinny or fat
Dimpled or pimpled, curvy or flat
Like an opinion, everyone's got one
But what if your butt was suddenly not one

If something should happen hypothetically
What would you do? theoretically
If something should happen accidentally or medically
What if your butt was gone?

Would you call me up
Would you start confiding
How you tried to make it grow with fluorescent lighting
How you had to give up horseback riding
What if your butt was gone?

Would you realize there's a good selection
Shopping for clothes in the children's section
Would you go to your closet and make a commotion
Take all your pants and throw 'em in the ocean

Does your butt hang low does it wobble to and fro
Can you tie it in a knot can you tie it in a bow
Can you sling it over your shoulder like a continental soldier
What if your butt was gone?