From the recording What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone
This was the first song of mine to be played on Dr. Demento. It won me a number of songwriting awards, as well as landing me a spot on "Up All Night with Rhonda" and a piece of hate mail.
There are numerous parodies of this song floating around out there, such as "What If Your Date was King Kong?" (Randy Hoffman) "What If Carla Ulbrich Were Gone?" (Adam Selzer) "What If Your beer was Gone" (Todd Chapelle) and of course, my own parody, "What If Your Butt was Gone."
Lyrics
I was just wondering -- hypothetically What would you do? -- theoreticallyIf something should happen accidentally or medically What if your girlfriend was gone? If she died in a fire from a broken light fixture Or happened to swallow a poisonous mixture Would I find my way back into the picture If you were suddenly alone?
Would ya call me up would ya write me a letter Would ya tie a message to your Irish Setter Would ya try to get through so we could be together What if your girlfriend was gone?
If she disappeared without a trace And everyone looked all over the place Why do you have that look on your face? It's not like I have any plans! But if I were around and I could appease ya And she was suddenly struck with amnesia And never again would be able to please ya Would you still wanna be her man?
CHORUS
Of course, as you know, I'm a very nice girlA beacon of light in a cold, cruel world Evil plans I could never carry out But who could blame me for wonderin' about
If something should happen hypothetically What would you do? theoretically If something should happen accidentally or medically What if your girlfriend was gone?
CHORUS
Would ya walk away from your deep devotionPut a letter in a bottle and throw it in the ocean Realize that you've got a notion To give me my long overdue promotion
CHORUS (Ending 1)
Ending 2: Would you hunt me down with your Irish Setter Would you tie me up in a chain and fetter Throw me in jail 'cause you like her better What if your girlfriend was gone?
Ending 3: Would ya tie me up in a chain and fetter Would you photograph me with your Irish Setter Do all those things that used to upset her What if your girlfriend was gone